goodhapp June 30th, 2008
Hopefully no one will be offended that their words were taken out of context. I have gone through and pulled quotes from each of the comments up to now that offered up experience-based advice on my previous post, so you’ll find those in bullet format below. They are quotes that either resonate with me, made me think or reconsider my opinions, or represented a line of thought about which I’m still not sure how I feel.
One thing I know I agree with is that you cannot have it all. Common sense tells me something always has to give. Maybe not for me even, but for someone in the equation - my husband, my kids, my patients, etc. I mean, maybe I can have it all in the sense that I can have my career and my kids. It’s just that both will have to be part-time gigs, and even that won’t be possible until after residency (residency will be ~60-80+hrs per week, depending on the specialty) - there’s just no “balance” in residency. I guess part-time is what I’d consider “having my cake and eating it too.” But even so, that might be a perfect balance for me. It’s not that I’m so great a mom or anything, but I really can’t see my kids truly believing that having a part-time mom would be “perfect” for them. Maybe they’d say that if they were adolescents! But as teeny tinies, we all know our babies cannot possibly get enough “mommy time.” I do know that much. If I’ve learned ANYthing from staying home with my 3 teeny tinies, it’s that there can’t possibly ever be enough of mom. And that would be the case even if I only had 1 teeny tiny. I’m sure it’ll change, but not when they’re infants or toddlers! And as my mom has always told me about motherhood, “there is NO substitute for mom,” no matter how good the nanny! So, I realize that I have to be ok with the fact that I am choosing to have a career because it is what’s best for ME, not necessarily my kids. So yes, that makes me feel guilty. And maybe Nicki is right about that guilt - perhaps there’s more to it than it just being inflicted upon us by society.
However, there is also a harsh reality to my situation…it has to do with the fact that after my parents spent $200K on my Ivy League education (I’ll never forget my dad calling my my sophomore year to inform me my college had just been named “most expensive in the country”), I incurred $201K of debt to acquire a 4 year medical education from a strong, but very expensive private medical school, and the reality that my ~$400,000 brain isn’t really worth $hit unless I continue on with another 3+ years of training. Residency = awful hours and crappy pay. Brilliant. Plus, I didn’t mention the fact that my husband is in the process of racking up >$200K in debt since we pay out of state tuition for his medical education. So given my situation, it’s not truly a “choice.” I have to go back, for financial reasons. Yes, I could always skip out on residency and work for the pharmaceutical industry or something like that, but even then I’d still be leaving my kids; I just wouldn’t be feel good about what I’m leaving them to do. I just wish I could do a part-time residency, although then I’d be a freakin resident for 6 years minimum, which would also mean I’d only make ~$20K a year…our loans would BURY us! UGH.
Many of you asked if I can just delay going back a little longer. The truth is I can, but only in theory. The problem lies in the fact that 1) my $201K of debt is rapidly accruing interest, 2) eventually my board scores will expire, and that is NOT something I want to re-experience, 3) the further I get from medicine, the harder it’s going to be to get back into it and ever feel competent enough to have patients lives under my care, 4) the timing is complicated because what Travis and I REALLY need to avoid is having our intern years align. That would just mean NEITHER of us would ever be home for our kids.
I totally agree with Blayne - our kids need our time home with them most when they are 0-2. Actually, my ideal would be to stay home with them until Fin is in preschool, Shane in kindergarten, and Jack in 1st grade. It’s not that they don’t need us after that, it’s just that those are the years foundations are being laid. Our kids have a lifetime to learn how to live independently from us, but I think that’s one thing we do wrong as a society - overvalue independence in our children and push them to develop it so prematurely - and I’ve blogged about that in the past. I think THAT is the root of the breakdown of family life in this country. They’re just babies from 0-2, they’re supposed to need us for everything, to want to cling to us, to have our full attention. I don’t ever want my kids to be just as comfortable with their nanny as they are with their parents, or to have to find out from their nanny what troubles they’re having in school, or what my kids’ favorite books are, etc,. I don’t ever want to miss Christmas or a birthday because of work. I guess this “going back to work” thing would be a lot less dramatic if I were in a “normal profession,” where I worked 40hrs or less per week. But to get there, I have to get through residency first. I suppose the bright side is that if I start residency in 1 year, Jack will be 3, Shane will be 2, and Finley will be 15 months, but unlike her brothers, at least she’ll have been with me since birth. This will have to be a separate post, but we haven’t talked about how adoption factors into these issues, and I personally believe strongly that it makes things a bit more complicated. As if it weren’t all already complicated, right?!
The other thing I want to say is that I NEVER look at SAHMs and think “wow, what a wasted brain.” Elaine, I love what you wrote about needing educated women at home to raise educated children. I look at women who make the choice to raise their kids as a full-time job with admiration and respect because I understand what an incredible sacrifice it is to make for your children. And I don’t think anyone does it because they actually find it intellectually stimulating to read Eric Carle books or play kid games all day, or because they must be less intelligent if they find that fulfilling, or because they have no “better” option, or because they’re not ambitious women. I know those are some assumptions a lot of working moms falsely make about SAHMs, but I have never thought that because I understand how hard AND rewarding staying at home truly is, and I ABSOLUTELY see the value in doing it for our kids. I think most moms do it because they find it rewarding to make that kind of a sacrifice for their kids. And I TOTALLY think that’s the most amazing gift a parent could give. My mom did it for me and my siblings, and my mother-in-law did it for my husband. I don’t think there’s anything uni-dimensional about them, and I can’t imagine having ever felt like “I wish my mom did more” or unhappy that I ALWAYS had her there for me. I was definitely never envious of the kids who came home to an empty house, or a house with someone else “staffing” the parent role, but who wasn’t their mom or dad. And I really don’t want that for my kids. It really hit me hard to read what some of the BTDT working moms had to say in the comments about their regret over missing out on time they’ll never get back…Diana G., yours hit me the hardest, and I really appreciate what you wrote.
I’ll write more on my own situation in the future. For now, I just want to say a SINCERE thank you to all for sharing your heartfelt advice and feelings on this topic. There is some SERIOUS WISDOM in these comments! Here are the parts I felt should be highlighted:
- Jodean: It finally came down to the thought that when I am on my deathbed, I probably won’t regret putting aside my teaching career for a few years, but if I didn’t spend the time with my children? I know I would regret that.
- Kelley O: Sometimes I feel that I have traded my soul for material things.
- Choosing Not to Have It All: There was a lot of wisdom in how our grandparents lived, never once did they want to “have it all” and yet, they had so much more than we did. Their definition of “having it all” was probably a simple home and time with family, so much wiser than our definition - honestly I think we’ve become lost in the myth!
- Debbie in the UK: I was always rushing about trying to get to my job and it was exhausting and I wasn’t really the mother I wanted to be…Just whatever you decide, don’t dwell on what might have been if you had made the opposite choice. Life is too short for regret.
- Tahnah: Believe me when I say that you can have all the support you want from a spouse, and be the most committed couple in the world, but life and your career has a way of stealing time from you…You can’t have it all….that’s a myth. A myth a lot of women (and men too) fall for. I bought into it…..so did a lot of my co-workers. In the end it is about choices….and there are consequences for every choice you make. Good or bad.
- Jen: I think this is an extremely tough issue for women because of the “guilt” that is mentioned so often when women return to work. They do feel guilt for being away…for not doing all of the “mom things” during the day that we were brought up to believe are the standards of being a good mom…I totally agree with the concept that as women we should be free to pursue OUR interests….not someone else’s idea of what makes a woman a success.
- Gale: I agree with your friend that we cannot have it all. Compromises are what make happiness possible.
- Michelle: a) I think the word will get out how hard it is to have a baby after 30 for a lot of women, and b) with more women being highly educated the work place will be forced to shift as work/life balance is a major issue.
- Nora: What I do also realize is that for me, I am a better mom, more attentive, less distracted, more patient, less demanding of my children when I have had time to pursue “me”: meaning, that I have had a chance to work and be around the career that I chose and be intellectually and physically challenged (lifting 2-4 tubas a day…) and when I come home I can share parts of that passion with my little ones.
- Ann: life is to short to spend it in a building surrounded by people who at the end of day rally just want to be with their families too.
- Rachel: I think it’s more that as a child, adolescent, and undergraduate, even, we are told that we can be anyone, do anything, have it all. But as soon as we add life commitments, partners, children, that isn’t necessarily true.
- Christina: The crazy part of medical careers is that for many specialities- once you finish your residency- you have a great deal of flexiblity in getting a part time position. It’s the residency that is the major hurdle…and that is totally unreasonable for family situations…So my career is really on hold here for the next several years…which makes me a little sad. But i feel that in the long term it’s worth it. Life isnt a race- I dont have to “get” to a certain point.
- Tara: I don’t think when I’m 85 and (hopefully not in the nursing home!) reflecting on my life that I will regret not having the newest cell phone or Wii game console back in 2008.
- Kristina: We both harbored guilty feelings because we wanted careers that allowed flexibility with family - we felt that we were “less than” because we didn’t want to climb to the top of the corporate ladder. Ultimately we came to the same conclusion as your friend (although ours was less eloquent) - why shouldn’t feminism allow you to choose what makes you happy?
- Nicki: There is also, I believe, an instinctive pull toward nurturing our children ourselves that goes hand in hand with attached mothering. I don’t think we can blame this on society or our own impressions of what is right and wrong. I think we have to look at it and validate it for what it is. Sometimes the guilt is actually well-placed! Sometimes it IS short-changing a child to leave them to be raised by daycare or nannies and never be fully present in their lives. I think there is a bit of danger in dismissing those natural inclinations and guilty feelings as being societally induced….one issue that came back to me over and over again when I had to make the work choices that you face now is that you just don’t meet people who regret raising their children or spending as much time with them as possible. You DO meet people - both fathers and mothers - who regret the time they missed. Often.
- Laura: As I child, I was grateful for a mom that was always there for me. I think about that part a lot when I feel like I want to be at work sometimes…I hate when women who work and parent are made to feel like they’re doing something wrong by not “committing” themselves 100% to their families and I hate when women who stay home are made to feel like they’re not fully contributing members of society or that they are wasting their talents/mind/education.
- Sara: Why do we as mothers/women/etc feel such guilt regarding this topic? Either way. Guilt over not using the education you worked so hard for OR guilt for not being there enough for your family or children. I think regardless of the way you go, you still may feel residual guilt in some area. I think WE as women, carry these things…Because being the person I gather you are — you do things to your fullest — to the best of your ability. But doing that to EVERYTHING, wears you down.
- Rachel: In my opinion feminism is NOT about ‘having it all’. Feminism is about women having the CHOICE of how to lead their lives without any backlash from society.
- Lisa: We’ve made financial sacrafices, and I am not pursuing the dream job I would like, but honestly, I don’t want to have it all. I want to spend time with my daughter. I love every minute of it and my career just isn’t a focus for me right now.
- Jena: For our family, there is no way that we could both be working without something falling through the cracks, our marriage, each of us personally, our children, our family life. Times for our marriage, time for each of our kids, time for our marriage, time for our spiritual live individually and together…..
- Sarah: Like the rest of you, I feel so conflicted about it. I worked so hard for my education, and paid over $100,000 for the privilege. In some ways, I do feel like I’m throwing it all away…I hope I can be a mom who teaches my son about feminism and choices and respecting people who live differently than we do. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m my own worst critic, my life totally did not turn out the way I ever thought it would, and I thank the universe every day for that.
- Jule: I hate the fact that my son spends more time with someone else (his nanny) than his parents. She’s raising him - he’s probably picking up more habits from her than us. When I do the math of the “awake hours” we spend with him, my heart hurts; when I compare it to the amount of time the nanny spends with him, I want to cry.
- Melissa: We are in a financial position that I don’t have to work but I love it. I love my daughter more and I know this is JUST a job. But it is a job that I enjoy, doing what I love to do, I feel a sense of importance and I enjoy the financial stability. I’m not saying we want and need material things but it makes life a bit easier when we don’t have to penny pinch on everything.
- Rainbowmom: we prioritized what was important to us: kids education and hands on raising them, my need to work but also my hearts desire to help the children of Southeast Asia, and what “things” we could do without….But the feeling that I know I make a difference, and the knowledge that my heart is fulfilled, knowing that my children have me when they need me, being able to be part of their education and just to be the one to watch them learn, being flexible in my daily schedule…that’s worth more than gold, worth way more than the corporate world I was working so hard for. And you know what, that corporate world is thriving just fine without me, but my family wouldn’t be, my heart wouldn’t be.
- Melanie: As for us, there is a fine balance in place that at times is perfect, and at times will tip in the ‘too much work’ direction, but in the end, it’s better for Ashlyn to have a mom who is well balanced in her professional career and family life. And for me, that means being a full time doctor as well as being a full time mom. Because you CAN have both, it’s all about your attitude. More time is not necessarily better to kids. It’s about the quality of that time.
- Allison: My mantra is Quality if not Quantity. Again, that’s because it has to be this way for us. I do not fault people who make different decisions, I admire them for being able to succeed where I feel I failed. In my opinion there are fantastic SAHMs, and there are kids who could probably benefit from a good day care program, there are fabulous working moms, and there are families that should probably adjust their lifestyle so mom can stay home full time…Feminism to me is the gift of empowerment that the women of previous generations gave women of later generations. They gave us the power to make these tough decisions for ourselves. There is still a lot of pressure on women, but no one can put pressure on us like we can put on ourselves!
- Emilie: Medicine is a great and rewarding field. I know you feel passionate about the career you chose, but i also know how becoming a mom can make you feel like nothing else in the world matters except for being the best mom to your child.
- Blayne: Aside from the general lack of work-place stimulation (intellectual, social, etc), I miss feeling the sense of accomplishment I felt at work, the positive reinforcement for hard work…I firmly believe in giving time to your children when they are small, especially up to age two.
- Amy: the more I consider it the more I realize that the needs of my three kids is all the worth I need. I’m not just influencing people today in my job, but influencing three wonderful people who will continue to influence people long after I am gone!
- Stacy: I still want to have an interesting career life - I don’t want to get bored. I wish I could spend more time with my child, but recognize that her preschool teachers, trained for what they are doing, are doing a great job with her. While I wish I could have both, I need to work to maintain our rather middle class lifestyle - small house, working, maybe a vacation once a year, etc. My frustration with being a working mom is this. I am not able to be there for my work in the same way that I was, this is hard for me. I have in truth always enjoyed working on some level, even if I am not truly fulfilled by my work. I really struggle with this issue. I also struggle with the lack of time M-F that I have with my daughter when I am not required to do other tasks at home.
- Jana: many of us have spent decades studying or working in careers which we have chosen to give up or modify. Nothing is lost and it all is the framework of who you are and how others, including your children, will perceive you…In my view what is best is balance: finding things to do which stimulate your mind, and encourage your children’s respect, not necessarily that of your peers. Its about getting to know yourself.
- Amy: What I came to realize is truly how much I’d missed by being away from the day to day activities. Don’t get me wrong, staying home is harder despite the fact that I had a very demanding job. For me, however, it is infinitely more rewarding.
- Jen: I don’t think women should be pushed to believe they can “have it all” although what that is for every woman is different. I think what empowers us as women is the right to make a choice, to look at our options, and decide what will work best for us as individuals, and to have the right to decide at any point, that a different option might work better.
- Ruby: While some of the women in my generation are satisfied with the choices that they made, most are not. They are instead burnt out and exhausted and regretful. You cannot have your cake and eat it, too. Your friend’s comments are very wise. I think women in their 20s have realized, by watching their own mothers, that you can have a career, and you can have a happy, healthy family, but you can’t have both at the same time. They have also realized that choosing to stay home and make sacrifices to do so does not mean accepting second place, regardless of what older women might say.
- Diana G.: But today, twelve years later, I look over to my right and see a young man. That young man cried on his grandmother’s shoulder many a night. She was the one to nurture him and to spend those formative years with him. She’s the one who knows how old he was when he started to walk, talk, hop on one foot, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I much prefer that he had a close family member to do all these things with. I am also fully aware that my mother did not charge me a penny to care for him. But, all this goes not without a pricetag. I had to support my family, and I still do. I paid the price every time I had to go to work and he needed help on his homework. I missed out on so much that, all these years later, I have just given up a job I love and am passionate about, in order to be available for our child by adoption. I will not make the same choice I made before…No matter what choices I make in the future, that time is lost, gone, spent, over, and impossible to make up for. I can only hope that he has learned as much as I have and is able to find a balance before life topples over and he lives to regret it.
- Brandy: Work, bills, housework will always be there, but children are only a certain age for a certain time.
- Nicole: It’s a personal balance - one that only you and your family need to be happy and comfortable with. And you may continue to find as you and your husband’s career progress that it’s a balance that may always be changing and tweaking as your family’s needs change.
- Traci: in my experience, the mother is STILL the primary caregiver- no matter how involved the husband is (there are always exceptions to the rule). This is the case at my house. I am still the primary caregiver and do the majority of work to raise my daughter. I think THAT is the reason it is such a challenge for most mothers to raise kids and work too…. the mother still does most of the child-raising at home.
- Elaine: The thing is, people have been saying for years and years that you can’t have it all (not if you want to do it all well, anyway), but they have just been dismissed, if not shouted down, by more strident feminists as being old fashioned and/or conservative. I got my degree knowing full well my ultimate goal was to be a stay-at-home mom. There are times I have struggled with my decision to be at home because sometimes it is lonely and dull (horror! for me to say that, right?). But I’ve never thought for a second that my education was a waste or that I was throwing it all away. I think we need educated mothers at home raising educated children (of both genders). And I don’t think career and full-time motherhood are mutually exclusive, I just think different things have to come at different seasons in our lives…There is something to be said for making the sacrifice of having it all in order to do your best with whatever part you choose.
- Carolyn: What has been strange for me is that I am really excited about returning to work. Being a stay at home mom is a lot harder for me than I anticipated, and I felt some guilt about that at first. I felt like a lot of women would stay home if they could and I felt the message that that was the best way to be a parent. But I feel like I will be a really good working parent.
- Karin: Your kids and husband obviously are a major sources of happiness for you. I can hear it in your laughter on your videos and in the tone of your writing. Compromise can be hard sometimes but we all do it. Compromise doesn’t mean give up something completely, but maybe revisit it at a different time, re-imagine, creative problem solve. I would honestly try to think backwards write down what is most important to you, make a priority list, imagine your kids graduation day or wedding day…how would want your relationship to be with them at that point in your life. Your children are permanent investments you have made in your life. What do you want them to learn from you?
- Jenny V: I agree with your friend about following your passion, what ever that is, RIGHT NOW! Our passions change as we grow and as our families grow…Balance is a wonderful thing-Whether that balance is you stay home now and go to work in ten years or whether that balance is you work part time and stay home part time or whether that balance is you work from home or work at an office. Your friend said it right- choose your passion and live it.
- Katherine: I make a difference in people’s lives every day with my job- and that means a tremendous amount to me. It does not, however, compare to making a difference in Tori’s life. I do feel committed to giving back to the community, so I will will continue to do both, thankful that I can manage to do it part-time.
